Survival of the fittest
by lethian
Summary: "You survive and you move on". Pro-Templar Hawke through the eyes of Fenris.


**Disclaimer:** Bioware owns all.

Many thanks to my lovely editor - coldwetn0se.

_Written with the help of "Illuminated" by Hurts_.

* * *

With Hawke it always came down to survival and necessity.

That was what she told him long ago, when they first sat down in his newly acquired mansion - "You survive and you move on." That was her motto, which angered him at that time, reminding him so much of his own struggles. That was her reasoning for taking every possible job. Even the most dirty ones, that made her gentle sister pale, seemed to be fine by her. When he asked, if there's anything she wouldn't do, she said there wasn't. He remembered that conversation as if it were only days ago.

"I've lost my home, Fenris. I couldn't save my brother. I was working my ass off for that prick Meeran, at the same time trying to hide my sister from the Templars. Often we haven't had a normal meal for days, because my uncle sold us into servitude. So, no Fenris - I won't starve any longer, now that I'm free. I won't stay in the bottom of this city. I will do anything that could help to get us out of this hole. I thought you, of all people, would understand."

And he did. They were similar in their instinct for clinging to life, but still - there were boundaries he wouldn't cross. She willingly worked with mages, but often agreed to help the Templars in _hunting_ rogue mages, bringing the Abomination to the boiling point. These events became more frequent since she had to put her sister to a knife in the Deep Roads.  
When Anders called her hypocrite for having a mage family and running errands for the Templars, she told him that her sister and father were gone, but she and her mother were still alive. She stated, that she won't spit against the wind, antagonizing the authorities of Kirkwall, when she can use their benefits to help the remnants of her family in regaining their lost status in the City of Chains.  
Money and Templars were ruling Kirkwall, and she wanted the power both offered.

Once, half-jokingly, he asked if she would turn Anders over to the Templars, if the need was great enough. He wasn't at all surprised to hear, that if the day came, when Anders' danger outweighed the need of his healing, she would. "The necessity in its earnest", was his sarcastic remark. He didn't like the mage in the slightest, the fool was too dangerous in his opinion, but still...  
What if one day, _his_ skills were not enough, compared to the reward she may be offered for returning him to his master? Of course he didn't hesitate to confront her on that, there wasn't much that they didn't share with each other after the years of fighting side by side. That was the first time she refused to answer. Instead she gave him an odd look, as if considering something.

He was reminded of that look, when soon after she expressed interest in him. What would she, now living in the center of Hightown, want from an escaped slave, nevermind an elf? If anything, she should be courting the Viscount's son, whom they saved a few years ago, or even trying her luck with that Starkhaven prince. Men like them should have been her goal in climbing the heights of Kirkwall's society, not a penniless elf.  
He didn't answer to her advances straight away, that change was too sudden. But he couldn't deny, that she was a captivating woman with a strong spirit. And if he was honest to himself, he was pleased to have her affection. It was...soothing to a lonely soul like him. Maybe that was what made him open up to her under the influence of too much Agreggio. Reliving his shameful experience with the Fog Warriors, recalling the beginning of his flight. She didn't judge, after all she had her own sins.  
They were both flawed.

When they got ambushed by the hunters, he was immensely glad, that she agreed to his demands of tracking Hadriana down right away. She didn't really owe him that much despite their awkward flirts, did she? When later he came to her mansion to apologize for his outburst in the Holding Caves, he was totally unprepared that she would ask him to stay. And he couldn't even begin to imagine, that their night together would stir so much inside him, including his long lost memories. He couldn't deal with them and his growing feelings, so he did what he was good at. He ran.

He was another one of her losses and more followed.

First her mother. Sitting in heavy silence beside her, he thought that she lost more than the last of her family. She was losing herself. It was then, when she looked at him with fear. He was sure that she wasn't afraid of him - why would she, but he was too intimately familiar with that feeling himself to deny what he saw.

Then Isabela. She and Isabela were close in their likeness. She was comfortable around the pirate, unladen with moral choices and guilty conscience. In the end she wasn't that different, was she? It was then, when she accepted the duel with the Arishok, making him wonder if it was courage or a veiled attempt to end her own life. He wasn't surprised to see her triumphant, her will to survive was too strong.

Her motto remained firm through these trials, and she mostly recovered. Mostly. He was the only one of her losses she didn't seem to move on from. Despite their absent relationship, if he could even call it that, she didn't choose a new lover, nor made any attempts to improve her social status with a well-arranged marriage. Even as he wanted to, he wouldn't dare to hope that she still had any feelings for him. It didn't match everything she led him to believe about her character.

Upon receiving the letter from his sister, he was reluctant to ask her for help, afraid that it could go ugly, if the meeting was a trap. It was entirely possible that she was tired of waiting for him, or Danarius would make her an offer she couldn't refuse. What was his real value to her after all, other than a constant reminder of her failure? But in the end it didn't matter, as she found out anyway and insisted on accompanying him to the Hanged Man. If he was a fool to stay by her side all those years, he was willing to pay for it.

Of course it was a trap, and of course Danarius offered her a reward for handing him over. But even the promise of a favor of the Imperium couldn't sway her determination in seeing him free. That was what broke him and brought his dreams to life. Standing over the corpse of his former master, he understood that he was indeed a fool, but for a different reason. A fool nonetheless.

He asked her forgiveness and tried to make up for what he did three years ago. She seemed to be content, having almost everything she wanted, ever since she was a ragged sellsword. Power, status, money. Him. Almost everything, but the Viscount's title. That was her new wish, which she justified by the increasing craziness of Meredith. She couldn't rely on the Templars any longer.  
After a few encounters, the Mage complained about how she could still support the Knight-Commander, when Meredith practically openly opposed the Viscount's rule. She said that it wasn't the right time for confrontation. Their exchange almost led to a fight, and sometimes he thought it was only his presence, that stopped Anders. But in the end it was the Abomination, who helped her achieve her goal, and not him. The Abomination and his final act of lunacy was what made her a Viscountess. Oh, the irony.

Her relations with Kirkwall nobility worsened over the next several months, and he was one of the main reasons for it. He took notice of sideway glances, and whisperings behind their backs about "scandalous public liaisons with an elf". She saw them too, and while she was waving off the gossips, he knew she was listening. He wondered how much time he had left, before she decided that her new title was worth more, than him. Before she was forced to leave him behind, or hide him in the depths of her mansion. Except that he wasn't willing to go on that, even for her.

The final straw to his conviction was the conversation with one of those pompous nobles, at the ball in her Keep. The fool claimed to be a delegate from the nobility and warned him, that she will have to either choose an appropriate husband or step down, and that he would be wise to keep his head down, not meddling into affairs of the upper class. Of course he cut the fool short, but in truth he knew that his time was running out.  
At least he could make things easier on her. That was _still_ in his power.

That's how he was now standing in the desolate silence of his former mansion, musing on his years in Kirkwall and trying to muster a courage to make the final step. He took very little, but his sword and a few meager belongings with him. In fact, he's never had much of anything he would call his. If the dwarf was right, it would be around an hour before his ship set sails to Antiva. She was still at one of the parties, which he excused himself from. It was better this way and perhaps one day she would be grateful, that he spared her the difficulty of finding excuses. Or at least he hoped she would understand.

It was time, - thought Fenris, when he's heard her footsteps on the floor. He wouldn't mistake this sound for anything else. What was she doing here?!

"Going somewhere?" She stepped into his room, wearing full armor instead of a fancy dress. Also noted, was lack of the Viscount's crown atop her head. Her eyes were unusually bright and he looked away, cursing to himself. If he'd had the time, he would make Varric pay for his loose tongue.

"You... can say so." He couldn't find the strength for anything, but sincerity. He was never good at lies anyway.

"You know Fenris, I'm not a good person. I'm not even a decent person. I probably deserved everything to be taken from me. But let me tell you this - I've had one good fortune and it's the only thing that is still worth fighting for in my sore life. And I intend on doing it."

Her face wore the same expression he saw, when she confronted Danarius, and he couldn't help, but ask.

"And that thing... is?"

"You, my daft elf, it was always about you." She strode to him, sliding her hands around his frame. "I won't let you be taken away by this city."

"Hawke." Choked out Fenris, suddenly unable to say anything else. He squeezed her in his arms, feeling a sting in the corners of his eyes. "Hawke."

She chuckled, but her voice was strained in an attempt to keep the tears at bay.

"So, let's check how the weather is in Antiva, shall we?"

He was a fool, once again.


End file.
